What Is Resilience? 5 Myths Busted

As a Confidence and Resilience Coach I am often met with some very interesting views on what confidence and resilience is and isn’t. 

One of my favourite opening questions with any new client is delivered by way of a two-parter; “so what does resilience mean to you?”  …. [nod, prompt, encourage] …”I see. And how would you know if you had it?”

Queue blank face.

You see, we all have ideas of what resilience is and isn’t (most of which are completely misguided by the way) and we all know that we desperately want more of it, but most of us have very little concept of whether we already have it, and if we do, how we would measure it.

So the question remains, what is resilience? Because if we don’t know what it is, how can we measure it, right?

Let’s come at it another way, because sometimes it’s easier to say what something isn’t.

MYTH 1: Resilient People Don’t Get Offended

In my industry we call this ‘BS’.

We are all human. We all have experiences and fears that have left us with blind spots and buttons which certain situations, people and conversations can easily push.

We are all wired to react physically and emotionally to these triggers (good and bad); we all get sick to our stomachs, cold sweats, goosebumps, tears and that weird grin that makes your face hurt.  We all feel embarrassment, anger, shame, resentment, jealousy and bitterness.

Resilience is the ability to stop and notice that you have been triggered and to appreciate that your reaction to any given situation or statement is purely yours to own.  Consider how something that is funny to one person can be hugely offensive to another – this is due to experience, politics, and core beliefs / values.  Resilience is understanding the ‘what’ and ‘why’ behind your triggers and taking ownership of your subsequent feelings.

If the first part is self-awareness, the second part is to not hold judgement. Shame, guilt, and anger are the mortal enemies of resilience.  Once resilient people recognise they’ve been triggered and why, they can sit with their ugliest of feelings and, when they’re ready, put them aside without judgement. A resilient person will say to themselves “this feeling/thought/memory/belief no longer serves me”.

It’s not that they don’t get offended, it’s that they know that when they do it’s on them, they feel it and they let it go.

TRUTH: Resilient people know offence cannot be given. Only taken.

MYTH 2: Resilient People Always Stick Up For Themselves

Remember the saying ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’? Well, it’s a load of old cobblers, isn’t it? I can guarantee something someone said to you when you were 12 still causes you far more pain than that broken leg you sustained during the disastrous 5-aside game of 2009.

However, if you know yourself (as in truly know yourself – good, bad and ugly) and you remember that offence can not be given, only taken, you’ll have the self-awareness to recognise why a particular situation has got your goat and be able reflect back to yourself on what it is that’s really happening here. 

You will be able to quickly recognise other people’s agendas as well as your own because you’ve taken the extreme response out of the moment, and instead you’re sitting with it without judgement. For example, ‘hmmm, he’s called me a lazy cow because he knows I worry people think I don’t pull my weight, and it will likely really upset me. And look, it has. That’s interesting.’

This puts you in the extremely advantageous position of knowing whether it is in your interest and worth your energy to stick up for yourself. 

Let’s say that it is worth the fight. Perhaps the fight is going to hurt BIG TIME but you know it’s needs to be dealt with and so you’re willing to take it on the chin and see it through.  Game face on, and go!

But what if on this occasion, it’s absolutely not worth your breath? For example, perhaps you’re trying to reason with someone completely incapable of anything other than their own strange, illogical, prejudiced and warped view… and if that’s the case, why bother? There’s no winning here. Only a loss of time and energy.

Myth 2 is a bit cheeky because it implies you stick up for yourself or you don’t, when in fact actually yes a resilient person will always protect themselves.  But protecting themselves may mean smiling, nodding and walking away with complete indifference to whether the other person chalks it up as a ‘win’.

TRUTH: Resilient people know the difference between a fight worth having and one to walk away from. Their ego does not dictate their response.

MYTH 3: Resilient People Bully Other People

Eh? Where did this one even come from?! If someone is resilient, they have strong self-worth, personal value and a genuine love for themselves. Not arrogance, but an acceptance of who and why they are. 

Let me tell you right now, happy people do not bully. Someone who is confident in themselves will not tear you down, they will build you up.  You are not a threat to a confident and resilient person, you are an ally.  

If you perceive someone as resilient who is also a bully, I beg you to look again. Your perception of resilience is wrong because they definitely ain’t it.  

(Bonus hint: this is a clue to your own core beliefs, blockers and mindsets. This might be something worth exploring further!)

TRUTH: Resilient people have no interest, nor see any advantage, in tearing down others

MYTH 4: Resilient People Don’t Get Low

Remember it’s important not to fall into the trap of measuring resilience by lack of natural negative feelings.  Think of it from the other angle; there is an argument that those with functioning low mood, depression or anxiety are probably some of the most resilient people you know.

Being resilient isn’t getting yourself to a place where you never feel bad.  Being resilient is recognising when you’re feeling off, knowing your own triggers and having a toolkit in place to help you care for yourself in the best way where and when you need it.

Their toolkit might be something to do with mindfulness, getting to the gym and getting out of the house and facing the day, or it might be recognising that this time it’s a good idea to just stop and have that desperately needed duvet day. It’s different for all of us on different days. But a resilient person will have a suite of tools and tricks ready to dip into when their minds don’t want to help them.

A resilient person will always consider what is best for their own health and wellbeing.

TRUTH: Resilient people have a flexible, personal toolkit which allows them to best care for themselves when they don’t feel 100%

MYTH 5: Resilience Is Arrogant / Ugly / Aggressive

This one probably comes up most often with my clients.

In the same way that resilient people do not need to tear others down (see Myth 3), nor do they need to influence them through negative behaviours. 

There are two things to point out here:

1.      People emulating these negative behaviours are not resilient. 

They are scared. Fear is expressed through anger, bitterness and control. What they are afraid of is entirely their own thing and you will never truly know what this is (and potentially neither will they), but this is not the behaviour of a resilient person. Once again, I challenge you to consider why you perceive these people as resilient.

 2.      Are they actually demonstrating these traits, or is that what you are seeing?

If this is the case it may be worth considering that your blind spot could contain memories and/or fears which are causing you to be triggered by another person’s confidence. If so, don’t panic – remember Myth 1; self-awareness is the first step to resilience.  Consider how you might shine a light on that blind spot so that you can become resilient to others’ resilience.

Resilience is confidence and confidence is the most attractive attribute there is. Confidence allows people to be kind, patient and empathic. It allows them to crack jokes and show you their dodgy art. It gives them the skills to glow, smile warmly and authentically and lead naturally and with love.

TRUTH: Resilience is beautiful.  (Oh, and a resilient person wouldn’t care what you thought of them anyway *wink emoji*)

So there we have it, 5 myths on resilience exposed and lambasted.

Self-growth, confidence and resilience do not come easy. They take effort, self-exploration and a desire to shine a light on the ugly sides of ourselves.  It can be painful.

It is also ever-growing. Like any type of knowledge, academic or otherwise, there’s always more to learn.

But once you start to understand what resilience is and isn’t, you’ll be able to recognise how much you already have and know what you need to work on to grow it further.