How To Talk To Strangers

In my 30s I found myself back living with my parents, as one does.

Fast forward a bit of soul searching and I was ready for something new.  I brushed myself off, joined a networking app (not dating but ‘networking’… similar skills, different aims), put on my favourite lipstick and set out to meet new people. 

Joining the networking group was one of the most frightening yet useful things I have done because it taught me the art of speaking to complete strangers, which in turn I credit for landing my Asset Management role at The Crown Estate. 

I would meet hundreds of people at an event (many of whom were weird, horny or both) and so I quickly learned how to sidestep conversations politely where needed or to hold someone’s attention when I finally found a person I’d like to speak to longer. 

I truly believe that the skills I amassed and social fears I was forced to overcome at these events meant that I was pretty comfortable in an interview situation. 

I am not saying I went in there all swagger, nor was I devoid of nerves. But it certainly wasn’t the toughest thing I had done that year.  And by not being entirely daunted, I was able to promote and articulate myself in a way which clearly did me well and got me the job.

You see, the art of being able to speak to someone, especially a stranger, can be an integral part of you landing life’s biggest opportunities.  This may be in a structured scenario (think: landing your dream job via a presentation with Q&A), or a more leftfield situation (think: you have a villa with acres in Spain because you got chatting to a girl whilst queuing for a warm Carlsberg at a gig in Brixton, who became a mate and talked you into going travelling at 36, which lead to you falling for a guy named ‘Texas Carl’ in Goa and he had always dreamt of starting a donkey sanctuary on the continent … boom, conversation with a stranger = new life and a permanent tan).

I see you nodding.

I also see you thinking, this is all well and good but how do I go about talking to a stranger without looking like a massive weirdo?!

Congratulations, I have compiled a list for you:

1.      Don’t Make Assumptions About Them

I was sitting in an airport having a beer before my first solo city break. I was bricking it to say the least. 

The woman on the next table had muted rainbow hair, an army-style jumpsuit and a look of steely hatred. She was huffing and puffing, slamming her glass down and generally being intimidating. To my horror, I glanced over and accidently caught her eye.  She glared.  I said, ‘I’m sorry for staring, it’s just I really like your hair and it keeps catching my eye’ (not a lie, just not the whole truth).

She went through a transition that I can only describe as her face breaking as she beamed at me. She said, ‘oh thank you so much! I was really worried about it, I don’t usually go this bright and I was scared I had gone too far!’.  She then went on to detail how she usually wore her hair, how she was meeting her girlfriend who her mum didn’t like, that perhaps her mum was right all along, and how she wished she had just stayed in bed.

We chatted till it was time for her to go to her gate. Lovely woman.

Lesson of the story; don’t make assumptions. She wasn’t intimidating, she was intimidated. She was nervous and self-conscious, and I helped.   

2        Don’t Be Needy

Needy is creepy.  There’s a very real difference between, ‘hey, you seem cool’ and ‘please be my friend, please be my friend, please be my friend’.

Remember the purpose of talking to this person (regardless of the long-term aim, of say, getting a new client) is to simply have a conversation.  You are not trying to insert this person into your life nor are you attempting to indoctrinate them into your way of thinking - you are just being chatty.

They have simply caught your interest.  This is not an opportunity to plug a gaping hole in your life. 

3.      Be Authentic.

Always.

Don’t try and be what you think they would like you to be.

Don’t make false compliments. Don’t lie or pretend you understand something you don’t.  Don’t make up fictional hobbies or exaggerate your knowledge.  Don’t alter your politics or opinions.

Remember, assumption is the mother of all fuck ups.  

If you base yourself on what you think they want, a) you’ll definitely get it wrong and b) if you become friendly longer term, they will feel cheated when you show your real self… even if that real self is far better.

Also, if you’re complimenting them, make sure it’s a genuine thought you’ve had and not a desperate attempt to get them to like you or to ensure a compliment back.  People ALWAYS see through fakers. And fakers are creepy (see point 1).  

4.      You Do Not Need Approval

Remember, you are happy in your own skin. 

In all relationships, whether fleeting or life long, you should only ever be there because you want to be, not because you need to be. 

If you approach any interaction knowing that a) you don’t really know what they think of you, b) you don’t have any control over what they think of you, and c) you don’t actually give a toss what they think of you, you will be far happier in yourself.

If you are happy in yourself, you are far more likely to win people over.

5.      If They Don’t Like You Speaking To Them … Fuck ‘em.

Some people are weird.

Some people are rude.

Some people are racist / homophobic / misogynistic / etc.  

Some people are just dicks. 

Accepting that you’re being you, and their reaction to how you go about your day makes zero difference to how you carry on will make conversations with strangers far less frightening because you are taking the powerful fear of being judged out of the equation.

Human nature being what it is, the more confident you are in yourself, the less you care about other people’s opinions, the more likely you will feel favoured.  

And if they clearly don’t like you? Sod them.

That’s on them – you’re awesome and they’re missing out by not speaking to you.   

They are not your people. They are not your client. They are not your friend.  No biggy. Mentally shrug and move on.

BONUS MATERIAL:      Just Do It

You’ve got a right to speak to anyone at any time, and likely they will be flattered.  Stop overthinking and just do it.

If you’re open, authentic and have a genuine smile, people will react well to you (unless they fall into those listed under point 4). Overthinking can easily become a slippery slope to needy and may push you into creepy because you need them to like you / hear you / see you. 

A simple eye-catch, nod, half smile and ‘alright?’ can be far more powerful than storming up to someone and delivering your well-rehearsed spiel. And if just saying hi and trusting conversation will come to you is too risky you can always point out something in common or deliver a genuine, authentic compliment.

In summary: talking to people is good for you, your confidence and your life experiences.  Just go practice.  

At the end of the day, they’re strangers.

Worst case you make a complete tit out of yourself and if so, who cares? It’s not like they know who you are, anyway.